Reflections on Chronic Pain and Redemptive Suffering

I've had chronic nerve pain, particularly around the wrist areas, for more than two years and it has led to PTSD, incessant depression, turning inward on myself, regret, obsessively dwelling on the impossible-to-change past, etc. I typically just fake smiles these days and try not to show my utterly shattered self. Maybe I just lack courage, but it's truly difficult for me to even want to wake up in the mornings. The pain, both physical and emotional, is just exhausting. Many times I wish I'd just go to sleep and never wake up again so I don't have to suffer. However, I continue moving forward because I don't know what else to do. It's either suicide or continued life; and I choose continued life, or at least, I have chosen it up to this point. Whether I will continue to do so in the far-off future is something I do not claim to know.

Now, to wax philosophical, I don't believe my suffering is redemptive as I'm not a believer in God as traditionally defined (I believe that there definitely is some sort of deity who is responsible for the design of the world and life, but that's as far as my mind takes me - i simply cannot infer the omnibenevolence of a deity from this world of trial, woe and horrendous suffering). I very much subscribe to the worldview that shit just happens in life and that's all there is to it. However, all this being said, I think it's rational to try to transform your suffering and make it as redemptive as possible, or at least to try to practically believe it is redemptive - even if deep down you don't really believe that. And I believe that you should do this at least for your own sanity's sake. In my case I hope, or try to believe, that the suffering has made me more courageous and resilient to life's tragedies, as I've had to dig deep within myself to find the strength to pull myself out of the darkness, darkness which I am regrettably still in. The resilience you will build in continuing to move forward through the pain, especially when you are alone, is something that is *perhaps* a redemptive quality that I have developed in wandering through darkness.

I've also learned, or am learning, is that despite your own inward resilience, sometimes in life you need the help of others - or, at the very least, the help of others will greatly expedite your healing (whether of friends, doctors, etc.) To take but one example, when this unfortunate incident happened to me I hardly told anyone, and consequently all my trauma and pain remained pent up inside me. This is unhealthy. But I found that just opening up about my issues to certain reliable individuals has helped me cope with the pain. It's good and relieving to confide your problems and hurt to people you deem wise and trustworthy. Humans are social animals. Sometimes we need each other. It's a mistake to try to be so macho as to pretend that you don't need anyone else to help you. It's a mistake I'm learning to correct the hard way. I say I'm learning to correct and not learned to correct because this is still a work in progress for me.

In addition, the suffering has definitely increased my compassion and empathy towards fellow sentient beings and has made me much less judgemental. You truly don't know the full extent of what your fellow human being you see in the sundry places of daily life (like the gym, coffee shop, etc) is going through. Looks can be deceiving and many suffer in silence. The suffering has also instilled in me a deeper appreciation for how much of our lot in the world is governed by sheer luck or happenstance. There is only so much in our lives that is under our direct control. It helps me stay humble in front of the sheer magnitude and terror of the world.

These are some of the redemptive qualities that I acquired, or at least hope to have acquired, from my suffering. Whether in the long run my suffering serves some greater purpose or good I do not claim to know - the story of my life is still being written, and the world is very mysterious indeed. Maybe, just maybe, to paraphrase Joseph in the book of Genesis, what people intend for evil, God intends for good.

My Health; Evidentialism; Hope in Dark Times

 

(I don't know the source of this great picture.)

In this TMI blog post I relate some health issues I'm having and offer some philosophical reflection. May you find it at least midly illuminating in your own life journey.

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Unfortunately, my gratuitously inflicted nerve pain, which I've suffered from consistently every day for over two years, is not going away. And unfortunately I am just getting exhausted from the physical pain. I now fear the pain will never go away for as long as I remain alive. Furthermore, I now live in a constant state of melancholy, even if I try to hide my despair from people by smiling or exhibiting an emotionless demeanor. And I'm scared at the prospect of living the rest of my life with such pain. It's scary to even think about. I can honestly say that I don't enjoy living anymore and haven't for a while now. That's just the truth - I don't enjoy living. But that's life. Random shit happens. We just have to keep moving forward, even if it is really difficult. We have an obligation to keep going. For all we know, this vale of tears may be designed by some deity to be a world of soul-making. Who knows? Do I believe that? No. But do I think it has a non-negligible probability of being true? Yes, I do. And my assessment of this probability gives me some hope to continue on in the journey called life. It gives me some hope that my pretty random (but not completely random) suffering may, in the end, be redemptive. Perhaps I delude myself in thinking seemingly gratuitous suffering is redemptive. Maybe so. Maybe so. But what I do claim to know is that I don't know that it's not redemptive - and that is all the motivation I need to keep going.

In saying the above I realize that perhaps my earlier comment I made in another venue wherein I said that one should disbelieve some proposition P if one's evidence for P shows it is probably false - even if belief in P provides significant benefits - is not correct. Let P1 here be "God, a maximally great being exists and suffering is redemptive." Now suppose the evidence for P1 shows it is probably false. Why should you believe P1 is false if it helps you get through life's struggles and merely believing in P1 has utilitarian benefits? You may reply because we should follow the evidence wherever it leads, and if the evidence shows P1 is false we should abandon it, regardless of what the consequences are. But isn't that just begging the question? After all, suppose the posterior probability of P, that is, the probability of P after taking into account the specific evidence for P, is . 49. It's not clear to me that you should disbelieve in P if P has positive utility and belief in not P has negative utility, especially since the probability is very close to the probability that you should believe in P (greater than .50). One can extend my reasoning further here and undermine what I have written in previous posts: If Christianity has net positive utility on personal and societal well-being, then it's not necessarily the case the people should abandon Christianity if they assess that it is probably false. If they don't assess the probability is too low, then they may well still be rational in believing it. So maybe what I am trying to say here is that evidence by itself is not the sole determining factor of what you should believe, contrary a popular view in epistemology called evidentialism. I'm sure the pragmatic-cum
-evidence view of belief has been expounded upon by philosophers somewhere. But I'm just not familiar with the literature here, to be honest.

In any case, writing this has just exasperated the nerve pain in my wrists - maybe this is God's way of saying "stfu and stop philosophizing, man." Oh... Another thing: I recommend you keep humor in dark times. It helps a lot. Laugh at the darkness and create your own light through laughter. During the last date I went on a few days ago the woman told me something to the effect of, "I like you. You're very funny, even if you're very dark." Always strive for the light and strive to spread the light wherever you can. May peace be with you, dear readers, even if it is not with me.