Reflections on Chronic Pain and Redemptive Suffering

I've had chronic nerve pain, particularly around the wrist areas, for more than two years and it has led to PTSD, incessant depression, turning inward on myself, regret, obsessively dwelling on the impossible-to-change past, etc. I typically just fake smiles these days and try not to show my utterly shattered self. Maybe I just lack courage, but it's truly difficult for me to even want to wake up in the mornings. The pain, both physical and emotional, is just exhausting. Many times I wish I'd just go to sleep and never wake up again so I don't have to suffer. However, I continue moving forward because I don't know what else to do. It's either suicide or continued life; and I choose continued life, or at least, I have chosen it up to this point. Whether I will continue to do so in the far-off future is something I do not claim to know.

Now, to wax philosophical, I don't believe my suffering is redemptive as I'm not a believer in God as traditionally defined (I believe that there definitely is some sort of deity who is responsible for the design of the world and life, but that's as far as my mind takes me - i simply cannot infer the omnibenevolence of a deity from this world of trial, woe and horrendous suffering). I very much subscribe to the worldview that shit just happens in life and that's all there is to it. However, all this being said, I think it's rational to try to transform your suffering and make it as redemptive as possible, or at least to try to practically believe it is redemptive - even if deep down you don't really believe that. And I believe that you should do this at least for your own sanity's sake. In my case I hope, or try to believe, that the suffering has made me more courageous and resilient to life's tragedies, as I've had to dig deep within myself to find the strength to pull myself out of the darkness, darkness which I am regrettably still in. The resilience you will build in continuing to move forward through the pain, especially when you are alone, is something that is *perhaps* a redemptive quality that I have developed in wandering through darkness.

I've also learned, or am learning, is that despite your own inward resilience, sometimes in life you need the help of others - or, at the very least, the help of others will greatly expedite your healing (whether of friends, doctors, etc.) To take but one example, when this unfortunate incident happened to me I hardly told anyone, and consequently all my trauma and pain remained pent up inside me. This is unhealthy. But I found that just opening up about my issues to certain reliable individuals has helped me cope with the pain. It's good and relieving to confide your problems and hurt to people you deem wise and trustworthy. Humans are social animals. Sometimes we need each other. It's a mistake to try to be so macho as to pretend that you don't need anyone else to help you. It's a mistake I'm learning to correct the hard way. I say I'm learning to correct and not learned to correct because this is still a work in progress for me.

In addition, the suffering has definitely increased my compassion and empathy towards fellow sentient beings and has made me much less judgemental. You truly don't know the full extent of what your fellow human being you see in the sundry places of daily life (like the gym, coffee shop, etc) is going through. Looks can be deceiving and many suffer in silence. The suffering has also instilled in me a deeper appreciation for how much of our lot in the world is governed by sheer luck or happenstance. There is only so much in our lives that is under our direct control. It helps me stay humble in front of the sheer magnitude and terror of the world.

These are some of the redemptive qualities that I acquired, or at least hope to have acquired, from my suffering. Whether in the long run my suffering serves some greater purpose or good I do not claim to know - the story of my life is still being written, and the world is very mysterious indeed. Maybe, just maybe, to paraphrase Joseph in the book of Genesis, what people intend for evil, God intends for good.

My Health; Evidentialism; Hope in Dark Times

 

(I don't know the source of this great picture.)

In this TMI blog post I relate some health issues I'm having and offer some philosophical reflection. May you find it at least midly illuminating in your own life journey.

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Unfortunately, my gratuitously inflicted nerve pain, which I've suffered from consistently every day for over two years, is not going away. And unfortunately I am just getting exhausted from the physical pain. I now fear the pain will never go away for as long as I remain alive. Furthermore, I now live in a constant state of melancholy, even if I try to hide my despair from people by smiling or exhibiting an emotionless demeanor. And I'm scared at the prospect of living the rest of my life with such pain. It's scary to even think about. I can honestly say that I don't enjoy living anymore and haven't for a while now. That's just the truth - I don't enjoy living. But that's life. Random shit happens. We just have to keep moving forward, even if it is really difficult. We have an obligation to keep going. For all we know, this vale of tears may be designed by some deity to be a world of soul-making. Who knows? Do I believe that? No. But do I think it has a non-negligible probability of being true? Yes, I do. And my assessment of this probability gives me some hope to continue on in the journey called life. It gives me some hope that my pretty random (but not completely random) suffering may, in the end, be redemptive. Perhaps I delude myself in thinking seemingly gratuitous suffering is redemptive. Maybe so. Maybe so. But what I do claim to know is that I don't know that it's not redemptive - and that is all the motivation I need to keep going.

In saying the above I realize that perhaps my earlier comment I made in another venue wherein I said that one should disbelieve some proposition P if one's evidence for P shows it is probably false - even if belief in P provides significant benefits - is not correct. Let P1 here be "God, a maximally great being exists and suffering is redemptive." Now suppose the evidence for P1 shows it is probably false. Why should you believe P1 is false if it helps you get through life's struggles and merely believing in P1 has utilitarian benefits? You may reply because we should follow the evidence wherever it leads, and if the evidence shows P1 is false we should abandon it, regardless of what the consequences are. But isn't that just begging the question? After all, suppose the posterior probability of P, that is, the probability of P after taking into account the specific evidence for P, is . 49. It's not clear to me that you should disbelieve in P if P has positive utility and belief in not P has negative utility, especially since the probability is very close to the probability that you should believe in P (greater than .50). One can extend my reasoning further here and undermine what I have written in previous posts: If Christianity has net positive utility on personal and societal well-being, then it's not necessarily the case the people should abandon Christianity if they assess that it is probably false. If they don't assess the probability is too low, then they may well still be rational in believing it. So maybe what I am trying to say here is that evidence by itself is not the sole determining factor of what you should believe, contrary a popular view in epistemology called evidentialism. I'm sure the pragmatic-cum
-evidence view of belief has been expounded upon by philosophers somewhere. But I'm just not familiar with the literature here, to be honest.

In any case, writing this has just exasperated the nerve pain in my wrists - maybe this is God's way of saying "stfu and stop philosophizing, man." Oh... Another thing: I recommend you keep humor in dark times. It helps a lot. Laugh at the darkness and create your own light through laughter. During the last date I went on a few days ago the woman told me something to the effect of, "I like you. You're very funny, even if you're very dark." Always strive for the light and strive to spread the light wherever you can. May peace be with you, dear readers, even if it is not with me.

نداء لمسيحي الشرق: اتركوا الدين

 

نصيحتي للمسيحيين الشرقيين: حرروا عقولكم من اغلال و سلاسل الدين و التدين و التزمت. يسوع الناصري لم يكن الله، الثالوث عقيدة متناقضة، و الكتاب المقدس مليئ باخطاء تاريخية و اوامر غير أخلاقية و قصص خرافية. هذا ليس رأيي فحسب، و إنما رأي معظم مؤرخي و علماء المسيحية الباكرة و اليهودية.  هذا رأي معظم أساتذة هذين الدينين في أرقى جامعات العالم. المسيحيون الشرقيون اكثر متمسكين بالدين من زملائهم الغربيين فقط لأنهم عاشوا تحت الظل و الاظتهاد الإسلامي في الشرق الأوسط. بسبب الاظتهاد ألمؤسف و الشرير الذي مروا به صار عندهم ردة فعل و تماسكوا بهويتهم كمسيحيين بشدة. هذا التمسك شيء طبيعي - الإنسان قبلي بطبيعيته. ولكن في نهاية المطاف المعتقدات بالأساطير تبقى أساطير، بغض النظر ان كيفية نشؤها.

انا لست مثالي و اعلم يقينا و ادري يقينا ان هذا التحرر لن يأتي بدون ثمن باهض و يطلب الشجاعة ممن تجرأ ان يسلك هذا المسلك المؤلم. و هذا لأن الدين يعطي امل في هذه الحياة الغدارة، امل ان "الي فات و مات" ربما يرجع يوم من الايام، امل ان الصلاة ربما تشفي احباءنا من الأمراض الخبيثة القاتلة، و أمل أن اذا لا توجد عدالة في ارضنا العشوائي، و فعلا لا توجد على الأرض، فسوف توجد بالآخرة. فالدين أفيون الشعوب في وسط دنيا تخلو من قلب اصلا. و كما يعلم كل مدمن، التحرر من الإدمان ليس سهلا. ولكن علينا فرض، يا أيها الاحباء، ان نمسك ايدي بعضنا بعضا و نواجه الحياة كما هي، و ليس كما نؤدها ان تكون. و الحياة كما هي، و ليس كما نؤدها ان تكون، هي ان تم قمع و دعس و قتل يسوع الناصري و..... خلاص - انتهت قصته. الي فات مات. يسوع الناصري لم يقم من بين الأموات. و انا و انتم، لو عشنا عمر طويل، سوف نموت خنقا من امخاطنا و خلاص. لا أحد يعلم اذا توجد آخرة فعلا او لا، لا البابا و لا شيخ الأزهر و لا الدالي لاما. فلنحرر أنفسنا من الأساطير حتى نقدم للناس حلولا حقيقية لمشاكلهم و محنم الأرضية، و ليس الصلاة ليسوع الميت التي لا تنفع بشيء و الذي بعمرها ما حررت وطنا.

تناول الافخارستيا يعني تناول كل جسد المسيح

  

عقيدة القربان المقدس او الافخارستيا في المسيحية الرسولية  يضمن اكل قضيب و مؤخرة  و خصيتي يسوع الناصري في التناول.... نعم، قراتم كلامي صحيحا. هذا الاستنباط من العقائد المسيحية الرسولية، و ساخذ الكاثوليكة هنا كمثال لان عقائدها اكثر متعّرفة و مشروحة من عقائد باقي الكنائس الرسولية التي تفضل الغموض العقدي. انا لا اذكر هذا الاستنباط حتى أثير غضب المسيحيين الذين يريدون ان يدافعا ان دينهم الذي على الأكثر ورثوا من والديهم، و إنما حتى أوضح المضمون من معتقداتهم و أوضح مدى غرابة هذه العقيدة التي هي  بناهية المطاف لازم تعتبر عقيدة مشركة بالله الواحد الأوحد الغير مادي و الذي يستيحل ان يتجزأ و ان يتم اكله. و أعوذ بالله من أمثال هذه العقائد المشركة (ان كان موجودا).

المسيحية الرسولية، مثل الكاثوليكة و الارثدكسية، تفسر كلام يسوع الناصري في ليل العشاء السري بشكل حرفي، و ليس بشكل مجازي. و معظم المسيحيين يتبعون هذه الكنائس. يعني حين كسر يسوع الخبز و قال "كلوا هذا هو جسدي" و تداول الخمر و قال "اشربوا هذا هو دمي" قصدها بالحرف. و على الارجح هذا هو التفسير الصحيح، بغض النظر عن التفاسير المجازية الرمزية التي يقدمها بعض البروستانت (مثل اتباع يوحنا كالفين الإصلاحي).

دعونا نتدبر قليلا ان عواقب هذه العقيدة لمجرد دقيقة. طيب يا مسيحي الكاثوليكي، انت تؤمن ان حين تتناول انت تاكل جسد يسوع الناصري حقا، و تشرب دمه حقا. طيب...فإما تأكل كل جسده الممجد او تاكل جزع من جسده حين تتناول. اذا تأكل جزع من جسده، اي جزع تاكل؟ اظافيره؟ خشمه؟ عيونه؟ الخ. و اذا تاكل كل جسده، هذا يعني أنك تاكل كله، اي، عيونه و خشمه و قلبه و مؤخرته و قضيبه و خصيتيه. فايهما صحيح؟ ما لازم ننتظر للرد من الكاثوليك. لحسن الحظ، الكنيسة الكاثوليكة، التي اعتادت ان تعرف بدقة الكثير من عقائدها، بعكس الكنائس الارثدكسية، توضح لنا الأمر هنا:

“The body and blood, together with the soul and divinity, of our Lord Jesus Christ and, therefore, the WHOLE Christ is truly, really, and substantially contained.” - Council of Trent

هذا اقتباس من مجمع ترنت، الذي عقد للرد على البروستاتية في القرن السادس عشر. بيانات المجمع بخصوص العقائد تعتبر معصومة من الخطأ حسب تعليم الكنيسة الكاثوليكة، كون المجمع مجمع مسكوني و ناطق باسم كل الكنيسة. لاحظوا كلمة كليا. البيان يقول أن كل جسد الرب يسوع المسيح موجود (في القربان المقدس).  و الرثدكس، على رغم من انهم يفضلون عدم شرح عقائدهم و الوقوف عند "السر الإلهي"، على الأرجح يوافقون هذا الرأي و لا يقولون انهم يأكلون مجرد جزع من يسوع. لا - اذا مؤمن  سيأكل يسوع حرفيا او حقا، كما تزعم الارثدكسية، سيأكله ككل، كما تعلم الكنيسة الكاثوليكية بكل وضوح. فالاستنباط الحتمي هنا أن المسيحيين الكاثوليك(و على الأرجح الارثدكس، الخ) لازم يؤمنوا انهم يأكلون قضيب و خصيتي و مؤخرة يسوع الناصري. أعوذ بالله.

 

The Absurdity of Eternal Hell

The Condemned in Hell, fresco by Luca Signorelli, 1500–02; in the Chapel of San Brizio in the cathedral at Orvieto, Italy.

All religions have good teachings and wicked teachings, sublime teachings and nonsensical ones. You'd be hard pressed to find a reasonably objective contemporary scholar of religions who would deny this. But one of the unequivocally nonsensical and wicked teachings propounded by some religions - particularly predominant instantiations of Islam and Christianity - is the idea of eternal punishment. The idea is absolutely repugnant to the intellect and makes nonsense out of the idea that God is merciful or all-loving.

The simple fact of the matter is that there is no eternal hell and there's no Satan who will abide in hell forever. This absurd idea arises from the tribalistic vindictiveness of minds overcome by a deep religious stupor. So strong is this religious stupor that even a luminary mind like Thomas Aquinas debased himself and gleefully taught that the righteous in heaven would take pleasure at the eternal punishment of the dammed.

Don't be like Aquinas in this regards. Wake up. Arise from your dogmatic slumber. There are more things in heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your narrow religious philosophy.

Israeli Practice of Demolishing the Homes of Families of Murderers is Unjust Collective Punishment

 

هدم بيوت عائلات المجرمين، فعل تقوم بممارسته دولة إسرائيل ضد الفلسطينين منذ عقود، هو فعل غير عادل بالمرة. شو ذنب العائلة؟ القائدة الأخلاقية المبدئية هي أن كل نفس بما كسبت رهينة، ليس كل نفوس العائلة رهينة بما كسب احد اعضائها. حتى لو افترظنا ان هذا العقاب لديه فوئاد مردعية، زعم فيه نظر اصلا، هذا ليس تبريرا. لان من صلب العدالة ان يعطى الشخص جزائه، بغض النظر على العواقب المردعية. 

 

The Jersualem Post recently ran a piece entitled, "Israel’s home demolitions after terrorist attacks, explained." This collective punishment practiced by Israeli authorities for decades is gross and should be immediately terminated. Destroying the homes of the family of a murderer is collective punishment and flagrantly unjust. Even if one grants that there are beneficial deterrent effects, which is not clear, this abhorrent practice would still be unjust. People are responsible for their own actions, not the actions of others. By way of analogy, imagine if in the United States every time someone commits a mass shooting the authorities would go and raze the family's house to the ground. This would obviously be immoral, regardless of the possible deterrent effects.

 

The Desire for Justice, a Signpost of the Divine

The strong and seemingly innate longing for justice that people have doesn't seem to mesh well with the idea that human persons are just byproducts of a Godless and random universe. Our longing for justice seems to be a reminder, a signpost, of our divine origin. Our desire that things be made right bespeaks something mystical at work in the universe, something more sublime than the meaningless movement of atoms. My sense is that, to paraphrase C.S. Lewis' Aslan, there is deeper magic at work here, magic which goes back to before the dawn of time.

Tragedy, God's Providence and Redemption

 

Those who have suffered much from human malevolence but keep moving forward and don't allow their trauma to cause them to hurt others are some of the most beautiful and advanced souls on Earth. What I've observed in my three decades on this planet is that often people who hurt others have been hurt themselves. They lash out at the world, including their loved ones, as a way of relieving their internal angst. Wondrous and blessed are those souls who overcome the urge to perpetuate evil because evil was done unto them.

It may be the case that God's providence is working through their sufferings, trauma and tears to transform them into Christ-like heros. What humans in their malevolence mean for evil, God can use to bring about a greater good. No greater example of this is found in all of human literature than in the story of the Gospels. According to that most magnificent and awe-inspiring of stories, the crucifixion represented the greatest of all evils - deicide. The ineffable and timeless God, somehow, paradoxically, became man, giving humans a tangible looking glass into the primal source of all reality. But we walked in darkness, and darkness did not and does not like the light. So we tortured and killed our creator. What greater evil could there be, to humiliate, torture and kill the one who loved us before the dawn of time? But, the story goes, from this greatest of all evils sprang forth the greatest of all goods - the redemption of humanity (and arguably of all created intellects). The cross was defeated. Evil had its hour, but it was ultimately no match for eternal love. The tomb on the third day lay empty..the corpse was no longer a corpse. The Christ had risen, initiating the process of redemption and calling all to follow his way, the way of unconditional love. From absolute horror arose absolute hope, from absolute tragedy arose absolute triumph.

Such is the theologian's beautiful and plausible vision for how suffering can be redemptive. For my part, I hope this vision is correct. There seems to be much truth in it. But, on the other hand, sometimes ghastly suffering leads to bitterness and despair; sometimes it gives birth to devils, not angels. And not just any devils, but devils one cannot help but pity for their fortuitous past. One of my favorite movies is "The Joker", the 2019 movie with Joaquin Phoenix playing one of the central villains of the DC comic universe. It is a fabulous commentary of how a genuinely good person touched by human malevolence can become a devlish persona, as well as a narrative argument for how evil represents a corruption of original goodness, and how goodness is prior to evil. I also see in the film, or at least hope I see in it, the idea that no matter how devilish one becomes one's primordial divine light can never be fully dimmed, and that one day even the devil himself will be redeemed by the unstoppable love of God.